Great Way to Ruin Your Day

Remind me not to check lab test results when I am in the middle of a work day.

Because I am not a doctor, and that one red highlighted number at the end of a long column of pleasant, green numbers was a little alarming.

Enough to bring on an instant adrenaline rush, that fear factor response.

“What fresh horror is this?” I asked myself. “Lab results that are abnormal? What could it mean?”

It probably means nothing.

This particular test result wasn’t even one that I was initially interested in. I bought a package of tests from an on-line company that promises both information and privacy, and this test was a freebie they included in the mix. My main goal in ordering the tests was to get a peek at my cholesterol numbers; I didn’t necessarily want those results going into my permanent patient record just yet, because I think my cholesterol is probably. How to say it? High. I wanted time to think about how I will handle that information before visiting my new doctor. I am fairly certain she would see numbers from any tests she ordered and want to talk about statins. Not a fan of those, but that’s a subject for another post.

So when a test that I didn’t even care about came back with a “danger” mark?

It was unsettling.

Dr. Google brought some perspective. It said that this one lowish number isn’t likely to be “clinically significant,” especially since the other related numbers were in the green range, all A-OK. Another site said that this number might not even have been flagged by a different laboratory, that they have different definitions of “normal.”

That information walked me back from the cliff of despair, at least a bit.

Lab test results have always been a kryptonite of mine.

It’s easy for them to push me off the deep end into anxiety and fear, especially if I don’t have anyone knowledgeable to talk with me about them.

I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. Easily spooked and afraid of the unknown, especially when it comes to my health (or my children’s health. I think I am even more triggered there.)

That one little red highlighted number: very easy to let it ruin my day.

I was only halfway through my work day when I got the results in my email. It was beautiful out: warm, sunny, bright. Nothing dark or scary. But suddenly, there was a looming fear inside me.

I had about two hours before my next massage appointment.

So I got up. Left the writing which I was trying (failing) to do. Left the little office space where my massage table was set up. Took myself to the park for a walk. There would be birds singing there (I often see blue birds), and dogs walking with their people.

Dogs and birds are a remedy for just about anything that saddens me.

I said hello or smiled at them as we passed on the walking path: the birds, the dogs, the people. I breathed deeply. Tried to let the fear go (Release it. Release is my word of the year. Which makes me think that you should be careful when you pick your word of the year, because odds are you will be given ample opportunity to practice it). I reminded myself of my other mantra, taken from mystic Julian of Norwich, that “all will be well, and all will be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”

And it was.

It is.

No matter what this batch of lab test results say.  Pretty sure that everything is fine for now (although I’m still waiting for those cholesterol numbers). But odds are good that someday, I’ll get that medical report with news that I don’t want.  I’m afraid that most of us will. But we keep moving through our beautiful, messy lives anyway.  Together: with the birds, the dogs, the sun, and each other. Not alone. Never alone.