Dysregulation Station

(I think I am a little too proud of this rhyme… Dysregulation Station! Dysregulation might be a new word for you; it was for me. Verywell Mind defines emotional dysregulation as an “inability to control or regulate one’s emotional responses which can lead to significant…changes in mood.” For me this week, I found myself dysregulated with a notable dip in my mood after an unsettling conversation. I’m sure we’ve all experienced those! Which means that all of us, at one time or another, have punched a ticket on a train heading for dysregulation station. And there! I used my rhyme again!)

 

Earlier this week, a hummingbird flew into my front picture window and laid still, dazed on the ground. I watched him for a while. It is a strange thing, to see a hummingbird almost motionless. He occasionally whirred his wings but wasn’t able to take flight.

It didn’t look good for him.

But in the time that it took for me to find my phone and Google “how to help a bird that flew into a window,” it disappeared. No predators around. Fat Cat was snoring happily on the couch. So I’m going to take it as a good omen.

I hate that birds fly into windows so often. I have beautiful big picture windows. Years ago I bought some of those decals that supposedly help birds avoid them. Maybe they worked for a time, but the windows are big and they don’t last forever.

When I saw the hummingbird there, I confess that I prayed one of those prayers that is kind of a begging one. I don’t usually do those. Because if God already knows everything I need, there is no need to strive to appease Her or kowtow to Her with lengthy words and pleas. She’s happy if we hang out. So that’s my prayer time usually, just chilling with the Divine, mostly in silence, trying not to think at all. But when I saw that little hummingbird? I spoke up and challenged the Almighty a little. I apparently had a little attitude about that situation.

(I don’t think She minded.)

“Hello Almighty. There is no reason. Well, none that makes sense to me. Anyway! There is no good, obvious reason for this beautiful little bird to die. I see it trying to flap its wings. It is moving its tiny head around. So I am asking you to heal it. Please. Thank you. Whatever.”

And at some point, when I wasn’t looking, the bird flew away. And yes, yes, I know. Sometimes birds suffer internal injuries and fly away but then go on to die anyway. Fine. I know.

But you see, the day that the hummingbird flew into my window was not my favorite day ever. It was a day when something I thought had healed popped up again. Life has a way of doing that. “Ha!” life says. “You think you’re over this. Well! How about another go around the mountain? Because there’s still some work for you to do!” It doesn’t take much. It can be an unexpected text message, or a phone call that sets me off and wow! Before I know it? I’m on a train ride to dysregulation station.

But I was blessed on that difficult day. Because I had a friend who I sent an SOS to in the morning who called me back early, even before she went to work. And a spiritual director who made time for a Zoom call with me in the afternoon. And an online forum with skilled Life Coaches who see things and say them with love but without niceness when it’s called for. Kind and nice are not the same things, you know. That’s been one of my big stumbling blocks. Trying to always be nice. Nice isn’t healing. Kind is.

I had a day with dysregulation and friends who grabbed my hands and walked with me out of the shadows. I had a day with a hummingbird who crashed into my front window and then wonderfully flew away again.