I am not doing this perfectly, you know.
Not planning out my day, and having goals, or times set aside for this thing, and that thing. I am not always doing the ONE thing before other things. Sometimes, when I should be writing here, I am cooking salmon. Poaching it in lemon juice and white wine. And then maybe I am going to the refrigerator and pulling out the bag of aging jalapenos, and cutting them open, and removing the seeds, and being too lazy to put on gloves, so I have to tell myself repeatedly, “Keep your hands out of your eyes. Hands out of the eyes.” Putting those jalapenos in the oven, and roasting them as best as I can, so we can put them on turkey burgers later in the week, a bite of hot earthiness.
So I did not have a plan for the day. I did not sit down last night, like the productivity gurus recommend, and make a plan. Instead, after I got home from dropping off my boy at school, I went running.
Well, honestly? First, I procrastinated, just a little. It’s hard not to do that. I put the clothes in the dryer. Checked my email.But before too long, I went running. That is always a good thing. Never do I finish running and think, “I really shouldn’t have done that. I should have stayed home and checked my Facebook feed instead.”
Here is the thing. I am moving. I am moving at an elephant pace. But I am moving. I am a 9 on the Enneagram, if that means anything to you, and the animal of the 9 is the elephant. But here is the good news: I am no longer a stuck elephant. I am no longer the elephant who has laid down under a tree and given up. I am an elephant who is walking: steadily, slowly. If no one else sees what I do here? If no one else ever cares? Or, even worse, if people do see it and they say it is horrible?
Well. That is not fun. But it is OK. That is not a problem. That may even be a blessing.
Because the point is to show up at the page. The point is to realize that the part of me that cares about being noticed, about being liked, about success? That this part is broken, and that if I can just notice it, and be with it, then I am free to carry on. Doing my slow elephant shuffle, making my way down the road.
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